Love Like Jesus

Just got back from YL camp in MN. Been thinking about a lot of things, mostly about control. I have had a hard conversation this past week with a girl who point-blank told me she did not want to give up control of her "story". My first reaction, was a patient, "you-really-dont-have-control" response. It was like no matter what she said to me I was forced to give her an answer she didnt like. While I was going to give her a note to try to persuade her that allowing God to write her story was not as though she would give up making decisions and allowing God to ruin everything, but after some very wise council, I didn't. Then I started thinking that my response, was much like hers. I wanted to control the situation. I wanted her to let her idea of control go.

My good friend said something that was very much a word from God. He said, maybe this makes you more like Jesus. HUH, there's a thought, even though Jesus offers us so much more we still choose, willfully, to try to write our own story. And it hurts to see someone walk into that and just be patient that there is still hope that they will turn around. Try loving someone who has heard what you have to say, know its true and still walk away... yep that sounds like the way Jesus has loved me over some of my story. Gosh, I still cant believe I put him through that because it feels like hell, knowing that's whats happening for this girl. In the end though, I really hope it makes me more like Jesus, even if its that much harder for me to experience.

A Beautiful Calling

I am continually spoken to through Isaiah 55. I have reread it tonight and been drawn once more into the Lord's mercy and desire for every part of creation to know God's love. It begins with a simple invitation to accept what is real bread, stuff that satisfies but does not come from our own labor (foolishness and a stumbling block to the world). And then a promise, an everlasting love and hope. That the things God wants to accomplish are as constant and fruit producing as the rain and snow. That this love will nourish, restore, heal, provide. Then a sign, that all of creation will cry out for the Beloved when she goes unto the ends of the earth, to tell of the joy of hope.

It is the most beautiful calling that we experience. And possibly the scariest. Thanks for letting me share:

Isaiah 55

¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”

⁶ Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

Cakewalk

I haven't written for a while. I think I have been suppressing things or just choosing not to think about them, wait is that the same thing? I have been having a rough week, really its been a rough couple of weeks. I think to blame for this dark road are two reasons. The first is the ending of college. The second is being a partial member of many "families".

First thing first, I don't know what day of the week it is. I don't know the date. I couldn't tell you what happened last week or if I did anything. Officially I'm not done, I still need to finish two classes. One this semester, one next semester. But still, I only work 10 hours a week, I cycle for 2 hours a week, young life eats up about 10 hours. Church 2 hours. Officially I fill up 24 hours out of 168 each week. Shoot, I don't even sleep very much. I feel stuck. I don't do anything.

Then when I apply for jobs I have really conflicting emotions and responses from companies. I am either way under-qualified because of lack of experience or because I have a degree, I am way over qualified. I am not considered for any real job. It feels so defeating. I am clearly a good learner, I know how to do a lot of different things, and I am really committed. I don't feel worth anything. And I know what you're saying to yourself. You shouldn't find your worth in a job. But being turned down time and time again, makes your value plummet in your own eyes.

Secondly, I feel like a second-rate member of several different groups. For instance, sometimes with YL I notice how lots of the team hang out or live together, and how different I am. I just don't fit completely. I know I am awkward and how its not easy (not literally but easy in a comfort sort of way) to be in conversation with me all the time. Its like I belong but I'm not on the inside. Sometimes even with DH girls, I feel the same way. With the DH, its hard to invite people to do things and have them show up. Its almost like catching a net of fish that is just too hard to reel in. A lot of times I end up feeling like the odd one out. Not that either of these groups ever means to make me feel like this. Its completely unintentional. But it is so hard to fit with a group that feels itself to be complete without you.

I feel complicated right now. Disappointed with school. Alone... a little bit. I guess life is just not meant to be a cakewalk.

Does that make you CRAZY?

On the rare occasion that I am not writing my thesis, can jot down a few personal thoughts... First, I litterally think that thinking will lead to my ultimate demise. I have started thinking myself into a small crisis every once in a while. You know Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind? Yeah, that will be me in about 5 years if I keep thinking... Brilliant woman... caught in the prison of her own mind. The headlines will be tragic.

Also, I need to get out of libraries. LHS, CCU, my bedroom... I'm in a library everywhere I go. Oh well, in a month and a half I'll be free for 6 months! Love it. Thats it for now.

Keep Your Commitments.

So the other day something very annoying happened. So in typical fashion, I decided to put it into a blog. Go figure. I was supposed meet with someone to talk about a school that I am considering going to... It could have just been a simple email, in fact that is all that I wanted. But no, this person decided to see if we could get together, then after we set a time, they never showed up. Not only did I not see them, but they never even emailed me to say what was up. NOT COOL. What I have to say is... Keep your commitments. If you say youre going to do something: Do it.

If you don't do it because you care about your friends and people you know, then do it because you follow a God who is continually faithful and continually shows up. Our God is one who always initiates relationships and is always present. God shows up. If you truly follow God, then your life should mirror this. Its hard and sometimes sucks, but tough. Be like the One who loves us even when we don't show.

Deep Mourning.

Hmm. So lately I have been in this weird emotional phase. It began on Thursday, in a Johannine Literature class. Normally this might be a very boring class, except reexamining this book has been a transformative experience in such a delightful way. It has helped me to experience how criticism and intellectual thought about God's word is not a damaging thing. It has helped me build up my faith by doing critical thinking... something I have very much needed lately.

The thing is that not everything read in class has been easy to read. There are some things that have been extremely challenging. For example, we have been discussing when exactly judgement is made and when human choice is final in regards to accepting Christ. Here is a particular passage:

^"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment:the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light,lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God." (Jn 3:17-21)

There is such love that God would be in the world, yet there are some who will reject God. In the 4th Gospel there is a sense that there have been some within the Johannine community who were once true believers and now have walked away. It would appear that John needed to provide an explanation for this (So says DK). These apostates have made their choice and there is a sense that they are condemned already. This is so scary and pressurizing. It is by no action of God that they stand condemned. The penalty is of our own choosing.

I fell into such a deep mourning for those who have not chosen the Light. I couldn't stop feeling pain at the idea of people I love and care about in this position. I know that it is nothing I can change, but I feel such a heavy burden for the lost. Part of me was feeling this hopelessness. For a brief moment, I was so wrapped up in the idea of condemnation that I forgot the preceding verse (Jn. 3:16). That God so surely loved the cosmos... the heavens, earth and everything in between. That God so surely loved the one who rejects in spite of their sin, that he entered the world to restore us as children of God (1 Jn. 3:1).

I forgot that condemnation is not the heart of God, rather love and reconciliation. That is something not to be forgotten, no matter how deep our color of mourning is.

A Good Companion

I'm currently sitting in a room full of incoming freshman at school. No I did not draw the short straw... yes I am earning a few extra dollars. To explain myself I should tell you that I am proctoring a pre-test that all freshman take before they really get into their degree program. They are really very cute. Almost everyone got to the classroom 20 minutes early, looking frazzled and a little concerned. They are unsure of themselves, not just their actions but who they are and why they are here. This takes me back to when I was there.

No, not the nostalgic fond memories... I'm thinking more like: I cant believe how much has changed. When you study history, you are lucky to have the vantage point of time. From a distance you can decide influencing factors and results. Possibly you can piece together an accurate version of what happened. This is what I am experiencing right now. I am seeing the factors in my choices to come to school and to pick the friends I had, then also why I walked away from certain friends. I can see the road that I traveled to where I am now as if I have reached a peak and can turn around and trace the path through the trees. From below, when you are in the valley it is more difficult to see the next turn because of the underbrush. It feels good seeing how far I have come.

It also gives me hope for how far I have yet to go. Soon I will descend into the next valley, like Christ. But I know that I will be raised again. A friend and I were talking about this the other day as well. She was encouraging me that each choice sets up lots of possibilities. And that no matter where we are, we usually have to start over with relationships, projects, new neighborhoods, children, every time something ends. That change is always going to happen. The risk sometimes is difficult and we can be obstinate and sit down on the trail we are climbing, refusing to move on. Or we can accept that there is another switchback or two before we get to the top again.

It was said to me yesterday, "If we are following Christ today, then where we are 5 years from now is none of our business." And I don't think this means "don't plan", I think we are to interpret it to mean that our journey is much more important now. If you are so worried about the trail a mile ahead, you might miss the root that will entrap your boots a foot away. So take heart, know that you have a good traveling companion, and that many more are traveling the same path. Don't despair where you are now for soon you will reach the zenith and will be able to turn and say, "Look how far I've come."