Cakewalk

I haven't written for a while. I think I have been suppressing things or just choosing not to think about them, wait is that the same thing? I have been having a rough week, really its been a rough couple of weeks. I think to blame for this dark road are two reasons. The first is the ending of college. The second is being a partial member of many "families".

First thing first, I don't know what day of the week it is. I don't know the date. I couldn't tell you what happened last week or if I did anything. Officially I'm not done, I still need to finish two classes. One this semester, one next semester. But still, I only work 10 hours a week, I cycle for 2 hours a week, young life eats up about 10 hours. Church 2 hours. Officially I fill up 24 hours out of 168 each week. Shoot, I don't even sleep very much. I feel stuck. I don't do anything.

Then when I apply for jobs I have really conflicting emotions and responses from companies. I am either way under-qualified because of lack of experience or because I have a degree, I am way over qualified. I am not considered for any real job. It feels so defeating. I am clearly a good learner, I know how to do a lot of different things, and I am really committed. I don't feel worth anything. And I know what you're saying to yourself. You shouldn't find your worth in a job. But being turned down time and time again, makes your value plummet in your own eyes.

Secondly, I feel like a second-rate member of several different groups. For instance, sometimes with YL I notice how lots of the team hang out or live together, and how different I am. I just don't fit completely. I know I am awkward and how its not easy (not literally but easy in a comfort sort of way) to be in conversation with me all the time. Its like I belong but I'm not on the inside. Sometimes even with DH girls, I feel the same way. With the DH, its hard to invite people to do things and have them show up. Its almost like catching a net of fish that is just too hard to reel in. A lot of times I end up feeling like the odd one out. Not that either of these groups ever means to make me feel like this. Its completely unintentional. But it is so hard to fit with a group that feels itself to be complete without you.

I feel complicated right now. Disappointed with school. Alone... a little bit. I guess life is just not meant to be a cakewalk.