Love Like Jesus

Just got back from YL camp in MN. Been thinking about a lot of things, mostly about control. I have had a hard conversation this past week with a girl who point-blank told me she did not want to give up control of her "story". My first reaction, was a patient, "you-really-dont-have-control" response. It was like no matter what she said to me I was forced to give her an answer she didnt like. While I was going to give her a note to try to persuade her that allowing God to write her story was not as though she would give up making decisions and allowing God to ruin everything, but after some very wise council, I didn't. Then I started thinking that my response, was much like hers. I wanted to control the situation. I wanted her to let her idea of control go.

My good friend said something that was very much a word from God. He said, maybe this makes you more like Jesus. HUH, there's a thought, even though Jesus offers us so much more we still choose, willfully, to try to write our own story. And it hurts to see someone walk into that and just be patient that there is still hope that they will turn around. Try loving someone who has heard what you have to say, know its true and still walk away... yep that sounds like the way Jesus has loved me over some of my story. Gosh, I still cant believe I put him through that because it feels like hell, knowing that's whats happening for this girl. In the end though, I really hope it makes me more like Jesus, even if its that much harder for me to experience.

A Beautiful Calling

I am continually spoken to through Isaiah 55. I have reread it tonight and been drawn once more into the Lord's mercy and desire for every part of creation to know God's love. It begins with a simple invitation to accept what is real bread, stuff that satisfies but does not come from our own labor (foolishness and a stumbling block to the world). And then a promise, an everlasting love and hope. That the things God wants to accomplish are as constant and fruit producing as the rain and snow. That this love will nourish, restore, heal, provide. Then a sign, that all of creation will cry out for the Beloved when she goes unto the ends of the earth, to tell of the joy of hope.

It is the most beautiful calling that we experience. And possibly the scariest. Thanks for letting me share:

Isaiah 55

¹ “Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
⁴ See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
⁵ Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”

⁶ Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

Cakewalk

I haven't written for a while. I think I have been suppressing things or just choosing not to think about them, wait is that the same thing? I have been having a rough week, really its been a rough couple of weeks. I think to blame for this dark road are two reasons. The first is the ending of college. The second is being a partial member of many "families".

First thing first, I don't know what day of the week it is. I don't know the date. I couldn't tell you what happened last week or if I did anything. Officially I'm not done, I still need to finish two classes. One this semester, one next semester. But still, I only work 10 hours a week, I cycle for 2 hours a week, young life eats up about 10 hours. Church 2 hours. Officially I fill up 24 hours out of 168 each week. Shoot, I don't even sleep very much. I feel stuck. I don't do anything.

Then when I apply for jobs I have really conflicting emotions and responses from companies. I am either way under-qualified because of lack of experience or because I have a degree, I am way over qualified. I am not considered for any real job. It feels so defeating. I am clearly a good learner, I know how to do a lot of different things, and I am really committed. I don't feel worth anything. And I know what you're saying to yourself. You shouldn't find your worth in a job. But being turned down time and time again, makes your value plummet in your own eyes.

Secondly, I feel like a second-rate member of several different groups. For instance, sometimes with YL I notice how lots of the team hang out or live together, and how different I am. I just don't fit completely. I know I am awkward and how its not easy (not literally but easy in a comfort sort of way) to be in conversation with me all the time. Its like I belong but I'm not on the inside. Sometimes even with DH girls, I feel the same way. With the DH, its hard to invite people to do things and have them show up. Its almost like catching a net of fish that is just too hard to reel in. A lot of times I end up feeling like the odd one out. Not that either of these groups ever means to make me feel like this. Its completely unintentional. But it is so hard to fit with a group that feels itself to be complete without you.

I feel complicated right now. Disappointed with school. Alone... a little bit. I guess life is just not meant to be a cakewalk.